HORNYFIED
We live in a world where getting exposed to erotic content, in one form or another, almost cannot be avoided. The probability of people developing a porn addiction at some point in their lives is now greater than ever before, especially with the recent advances in technology. This is a serious issue that indirectly affects everyone in our society.
When I started this project, I made a commitment to fight my destructive behavior with the goal of regaining control over my life. By sharing my story, I hope to inspire those who struggle with breaking their bad habits and feel enslaved by their own minds. I want to give them the courage to take their first step in escaping the mental prison they unknowingly may have built around themselves.
Will you join me on a journey through a world full of pain and trauma where I try to understand the root cause of my suffering? I could certainly use some company along the way, but be warned. Unspeakable horrors await, and you may get completely...
The Bath
(Coming 01.07.2025)
(Coming 01.09.2025)
The Bath
– 60, 61, 62...Larry counted the shots coming from his pistol. The water in the bathtub covered his hips, and a big cloud of all surrounding foam made his legs and belly almost disappear. Barely moving his mouth, he silently pronounced the numbers each time he pulled the trigger. It sounded more like a series of short sighs than actual words, but it was good enough. It helped him to keep the right rhythm; it gave him a sense of control. Larry loved to count, and the evening bath was his favorite part of the day.– 63, 64, 65...The challenge was to not make any mistakes along the way. Getting to sixty was relatively easy, but Larry could sometimes get distracted and lose focus. It could be an intrusive memory or the noisy neighbor behind the wall screaming at his wife again. When that happened, Larry had to start all over again, but not today. Today, he would finally achieve his goal. He could feel it.– 66, 67, 68...The water splashes echoed inside the old bathroom. A weak, yellow light shone down from a lonely light bulb attached to the ceiling, and patches of white paint hanging from the walls cast tiny shadows on a web of deep cracks in the concrete. Larry lived with both his parents in an old apartment, and he often heard them talk about a major renovation. They said the apartment was ugly, and that they were ashamed of it when having guests over. His mom was especially concerned about the condition of the bathroom, but Larry did not understand her. He liked it the way it was, and he did not enjoy it when his parents were having guests anyway.– 69, 70, 71...No splash. He needed to reload his toy.– 70... 70... 70...Larry started to repeat the number of the last shot over and over again. This way, he could stay focused and keep track of the challenge. The magazine had a capacity of only twelve shots, and this was a necessary distraction. Like an experienced soldier, he smoothly removed the magazine, filled it with water to its edge, and attached it to the pistol in one fluid motion. The weapon was now heavy again and felt good in the boy's small hands. Larry pulled the trigger, and this time, a shot was fired.– 71...He never made it so far before, but he remained calm. This was his first try of the evening, and the water was still pleasantly warm. The foam started to settle, uncovering Larry's knees, but he barely even noticed. His eyes were focused on the one spot where the water was hitting the bathtub. He aimed at a small, rusty circle, a deep dent where the paint was scratched away, showing off the metal. Larry liked to think that his shots would make the dent bigger and eventually create a hole in the bathtub. That would be awesome, but he also knew that it was not possible. In order to do so, he would need something much stronger than a plastic toy. He would need something with more pressure.
***
– Did you see that? – the old man asked in excitement. – With enough pressure, water can become harder than even metal!Larry sat on a couch beside his grandfather, watching a documentary about a modern processing plant. On the screen, a man in a blue uniform showed how they used water to cut through different materials.– What is pressure, Grandpa? – Larry asked. No matter the question, he could count on his grandfather. He could explain things to Larry in a way no one else could, and he always had an answer.– You create pressure when you press on things, my boy – the grandfather answered without any hesitation. Then he pointed his finger at the TV‑screen. – Scientists managed to make a device that can press the water very, very hard – he explained. – So hard, in fact, that it even can cut through metal, like a knife through a stick of butter! Isn't that fascinating? – he asked and looked at Larry through his glasses with a big smile.Larry agreed. He has always been fascinated by all kinds of devices. When asked what he would like to be in the future, Larry always gave the same enthusiastic answer: a scientist! Scientists need to be smart, and Larry was a smart kid. At least, that was what everyone was saying. Even the children making fun of him.Yes, it was his dream to work with different devices like the one they showed on the screen, but scientists must be good at math. A real scientist could probably count to a thousand without making any mistakes, or maybe even to ten thousand! That was why Larry needed to practice. He needed to get better at counting, and he still had a long way to go.Larry often wondered why his grandpa never became a scientist. He would surely be a great one.
***
– 94, 95, 96...Larry was excited. He has never made it to ninety before. Could it be? Could he finally make it?The pistol was now getting suspiciously light in Larry's hands again, and several thoughts went through his mind. He wanted to be prepared for the big moment and had to make a quick decision. He stopped shooting and decided to reload his pistol in advance.– 96... 96... 96...Suddenly, someone knocked at the door.*knock *knock– Honey, is everything alright?Larry stopped moving. It was his mother. She occasionally checked on him when he was taking a bath, and her voice should not be a surprise for him, but he did not expect to be disturbed at such a critical moment.– 96... YES MOM! 96... – he responded, louder than intended. He was intensely trying to remember the number.– Great! – she replied with her carrying voice, seemingly unbothered by the tone of his voice. – I'll be in the living room if you need me – she said and went away from the door.Larry was surprised about his reaction. He rarely raised his voice, but this was not the right time to think about it. He needed to focus.– 96... 96... 96... – he continued whispering while taking a deep breath.Like many times before, he slowly repeated the all too familiar series of movements and managed to successfully reload the pistol. Then he aimed at the rusty circle and pulled the trigger.– 97, 98, 99...All his thoughts disappeared, and it felt like the time had stopped. Without any doubt in his mind, he pulled the trigger one more time. The water hit the target.– ...100? – he whispered to himself, not fully believing what he had just said. – Hundred! – he repeated, significantly louder.A big smile appeared on Larry's face, and his hands shot in the air. I did it, he thought. I really did it! With clenched fists, he started to punch the air in front of him while vigorously wiggling with his knees. I really did it! I did it on the first try!Exhausted from the whole experience, Larry leaned his back against the bathtub with the pistol still in his right hand. He deserved a rest. The now lukewarm water covered his entire body except for his head. The earlier all surrounding foam was now gone, and only a thin layer of soap remained floating on the surface. He closed his eyes and relaxed, thinking about how he would tell his mom about his success and...Something was not right. All of the sudden, Larry felt an unknown numbness lurking in his belly. It was like he had to pee, even though he did not need to – he always goes to the toilet before taking a bath. He opened his eyes and saw that there was something else sticking out of the water. It was his...
***
– Birdy – Larry's mom explained, – but adults call it a penis.Larry preferred the first word. He liked the sound of it, and he thought it was more fitting.– It is important that you wash it thoroughly every day, especially under the funny moving skin – she continued. – That's where the bad bacteria like to hide the most. Do you remember how to do it?– I do! – Larry replied proudly. He always remembered things that were important.– That's my boy! – she said with a smile. – Always remember to take care of...
***
His birdy looked different. Usually, it was soft and wiggly, but now it was all stiff. It also felt different and seemed much bigger. Larry was confused. He raised the pistol and aimed it at his weirdly behaving body part. He pulled the trigger, and the water splashed against it.*splashHmm... that's strange, he thought. It was almost like he could not feel the water touching him. Even more confused, he put the pistol to the side and reached for his weirdly behaving body part. He grabbed it carefully with his right hand and squeezed it softly, surprised at how rigid it felt. Larry's skin was slippery from all the soap in the water, and his hand began to slowly slide upwards until it felt off. He repeated the motion.Grab, squeeze, slide...Larry did not know what to think. It was quite relaxing, but at the same time, he did not feel comfortable touching himself this way. Also, there was this strange feeling in his belly that was not going away. He should probably call his mom and tell her that something was wrong.Grab, squeeze, slide...Larry continued, and after a while his hand began to move slightly faster. His arms and legs started to get tense, and he could feel the numbness in his belly slowly spreading to his limbs. His breath became flatter, and his face started getting warmer. He wanted to stop now, but for some reason, he could not. It was like his hand got a life of its own. The sense of being in control started to fade.Grab, squeeze, slide, grab, squeeze, slide...He could feel something (pressure) growing inside of him. It made his little body hurt.– You need to go faster...An unknown voice appeared inside his head. It sounded soft, almost carrying, but there was no doubt in Larry's mind that it was giving him an order. He tried to resist, but from the very first moment he heard the voice, he knew that he was doomed to fail. The body was not his anymore, and now he was also losing control of his thoughts. Something (pressure) was taking over his whole being. It had its own goal, and Larry had to obey.Grab, squeeze, slide, grab, squeeze, slide...He was now moving his hand as fast as he possibly could, but it was not enough.– Go faster – the voice repeated. – Use the other hand.Larry obeyed. At first, it was difficult to coordinate the movement. He had to slow down, but after a few tries, he managed to find the new rhythm.Left, right, left, right, left, right...Larry was scared. Why was he doing this to himself? His arms were now sore, and he almost could not breathe. Dark circles appeared in front of his eyes, like this one time in the church when he fainted and felt to the ground in front of everyone. I really need to stop now, he thought to himself. I need to stop... Please, let me stop... But the voice in his head was not satisfied. It demanded more.– FASTER!Larry's whole existence was now reduced to this unpleasant feeling in his belly. He wanted to stop, but he was powerless against this strange force that possessed him from the inside. His body was at its limit, but the voice had no mercy.Grabsqueezeslidegrabsqueezeslide...Suddenly, shivers went through Larry's body, and he could feel an intense sensation on his whole skin. Terrified, he put his arms to the side and rapidly raised himself. Standing naked in the bathtub, he looked down at his birdy. It was moving on its own now, pulsating up and down. It has never done it before. I broke it, he thought to himself in panic. My birdy... My birdy is broken! I have broken my birdy!Then the fear went away, and his body relaxed, almost like nothing ever happened. Larry did not know what to feel. His limbs felt like they were made of rubber, and he was exhausted. He sat down again and leaned his back against the bathtub.*knock *knock– Is everything all right? – It was his mother. – What's taking so long?Larry tried to gather his thoughts.– I was... playing – he answered.– Oh sweetheart, please hurry up now – Larry could hear a slight irritation in her voice. – Enough playing for today! – she said, and Larry could not agree more.But was this what he was doing? Was he just playing?(FASTER!)Larry started to wash himself quickly. After he was done, he pulled the plug to flush away the cold and dirty water. Then, he rinsed the soap from his body with the leaky shower head attached to the wall.He almost forgot by now about the hundred shots from his water pistol he managed to count. It was an achievement, and he was so proud of himself, but now? Larry was not sure if there was anything to be proud of after what he (the pressure) just did.
Old Muffins
It was a warm Wednesday in the middle of summer. All schools were closed, and there was a sense of freedom in the air. The children could finally enjoy their day without having to attend boring classes or think about the burdensome homework stealing their precious time. Many families had left their homes in search of some well-deserved rest in different, prettier parts of the country, often visiting their families. The few who could afford it traveled abroad to more exotic parts of the world, and the ones who were spending their vacations at home tried to relax by getting more sleep and cutting down on their daily duties. There were almost no people walking around on the sidewalks, and no traffic in sight. It was like the town went into a deep slumber, taking a break from the urban chaos that everyone was so used to.In front of an old apartment building near a side road, with a backpack on his shoulders and a bike in his hands, Oscar was looking into the distance, waiting for his best friend Brian to arrive. The boys have not seen each other in a while, and they had a lot of catching up to do. They agreed to meet early in the morning so that they could spend the whole day together. They had plans.Oscar looked down at his old, rusty bike and smiled. He has had it for several years now, but even though it has been put to the test more than once, everything was still working as it should. The trick was to take care of it regularly, especially during the summer seasonRight after breakfast, Oscar went down to the basement to do a routine inspection, like he always did when a longer ride was planned in advance. He pumped the tires, tightened the screws in the wheels, and checked if the breaks were working properly. 'Remember to always check the brakes – your life could depend on it!', his grandfather used to say. Check, check, and check. Satisfied with the results, he then took a cloth, poured some water on it from a plastic bottle standing on the shelf, and thoroughly washed the frame, the handlebars, and the seat. To finish the preparations, he grabbed a can of oil and put a little bit of the thick liquid on the chain and the gears with a dedicated brush. The bike was now ready for a full day of adventures.The sun was shining brightly, and there were only a couple of lonely clouds drifting across the sky. Balancing the bike against his hip, Oscar opened his backpack to make sure that he had not forgotten anything. Inside was a towel, a pair of swimming trunks, swimming goggles, two bottles of apple juice, and his school ID. Nothing was missing, so he put the backpack on and looked into the distance again, trying to be patient. His friend should be here any minute now.And there he was. On his blue, shiny mountain bike, Brian emerged from behind the corner. He was wearing a yellow T‑shirt and carrying a small, black backpack on his back. Without stopping, he waved at Oscar from afar, encouraging his friend to follow him, and soon, both boys were heading towards their destination.
***
– Do you have your school IDs with you?The old cashier sitting behind the window at the entrance to the local water park looked tired. He stood up from his chair and seemed upset that someone was bothering him at the start of his shift. It was early in the morning, and he probably did not expect any visitors right after the gates had opened, especially in the middle of the week.Oscar and Brian took out their IDs and pushed them through the small opening at the bottom of the window. The cashier grabbed his glasses from the table and slowly put them on. With a bored look in his face, he thoroughly inspected the stamps on the back of each document.– That will be fifty cents for each of you – he said, and pushed both IDs back through the opening.The boys were already holding the right amount in their hands and quickly handed the money to the cashier. The old man looked briefly at the coins and unenthusiastically pointed at the entrance with his head. It was clear that he wanted to be left alone, and since the transaction was finalized, the boys could easily fulfill his unspoken wish. They grabbed their IDs from the counter, put them in their pockets, and quickly went through the gate.Besides the one lifeguard sitting in his chair between the main pools, there were no other people to see. Oscar and Brian had the whole facility for themselves, and what was most important: there was no line to the diving tower. When the boys realized that, they looked at each other with excitement, and without saying a word, they rushed to their favorite spot under a big oak. The tree stood near the water, and one could easily take a break from the sun in its shadow between the intense swimming sessions, without the need to navigate through a wall of other visitors who would soon flood the water park with their presence.At the tree, the boys locked their bikes together with a chain and put their backpacks on the grass. They looked around and quickly switched to their swimming trunks. Since no other visitors were around, they could just drop the extra trip to the dressing room. For a second, they also considered putting their backpacks with their clothes in one of the lockers at the entrance, but they quickly abandoned the idea. They did not want to waste any more time. Decisions were made efficiently, and the objective was clear: getting into the water as fast as possible.With the swimming goggles in their hands and their keys attached to their wrists with a rubber bands, the boys ran to the showers near the deepest pool. The water in them was ice cold, and they needed a minute to get used to it before they could wash themselves. After fulfilling their hygienic obligation, they headed straight towards the diving tower and climbed the stairs to the top. They stopped at the edge of the highest platform, and looking at the water five meters below them, they started counting.– Three, two, one, GO!The fall, the splash, then the silence. Few things could beat the feeling of jumping into the deep, cold water during a hot day like this. There was something magical about suddenly disappearing under the surface, almost like entering a portal to a different realm, and Oscar enjoyed it every single time. After emerging from the depths, he immediately started planning his next attempt. No matter how many times he climbed the tower and flew through the air, as long as he still had energy, he did not want to stop.A couple of younger kids were now playing in the shallow water in one of the smaller pools, and more people started gathering in the facility. Almost all of the best spots were already occupied, and from the top of the water tower, one could see a long line of excited teenagers waiting for their turn to come inside. This meant that plenty of school IDs needed to be checked, something the grumpy cashier at the entrance probably was not too happy about.Hours passed as the boys repeatedly went up the stairs and crashed into the water. It was a demanding task, and after a while, they decided to take a break. Navigating through a small crowd of children and their belongings lying on the ground, the boys returned to their spot and sat down on the grass. Hiding from the sun in the shadow of the big oak, Oscar took the apple juice out of his backpack and handed one of the bottles to Brian. His friend grabbed it without any hesitation and greedily drank the whole bottle at once.– Aaah... that's what I needed – he said, wiping his mouth with his elbow.They sat there looking at the shimmering water in front of them, listening to the rustling leaves above their heads. Just two friends, sitting together and enjoying each other's company. When Oscar got older, he often thought about moments like this. It was a time when one could be with someone without feeling uncomfortable in a moment of silence. There was no social media, no internet, no pressure to entertain or be entertained every waking hour. Oscar was grateful that he had the chance to be a child before the modern world started fighting for every bit of everyone's attention, a world where everything and everyone was constantly expected to be exciting.– What should we do next? – asked Brian after a couple of minutes. His thin, blond hair was almost completely dry by now.– Maybe we could go to you? – Oscar suggested and took a sip from his bottle, enjoying the sweetness of the juice in his mouth. He was always surprised how much more intense things tasted after a good round of swimming in a pool. He suspected it had something to do with the chlorine they put into the water.– Sure, why not? My parents aren't home anyway. – said Brian, and suddenly, his eyes lit up. – I know! We could play GTA on my computer!– What's that? – Oscar had never heard of that game.– You steal cars and shoot at people, and then you have to run from the police – Brian explained with excitement.– That sounds awful! – Oscar did not like the idea of being a criminal, even if it was not for real. It just did not feel right.– It's a lot of fun – Brian pretended to hold a steering wheel in his hands and started making engine noises with his mouth.– I don't know... Where did you get it from anyway?– From Jonah. He played it a ton, and he wanted me to try it out.– That makes sense.Jonah was Brian's older cousin. All Oscar knew about him was that he played a lot of video games and that he was pretty bad at school, but it was enough to see the connection.– You won't regret it, trust me – Brian continued, now holding an imaginary machine gun and aiming at his backpack. He pulled the trigger and made a click with his tongue. – Let's go!The boys stood up and quickly changed their clothes while hiding behind the tree. They then wrapped the wet trunks and goggles in towels and packed everything into their backpacks. After checking if they had left anything behind, they unlocked their bikes and headed off to Brian's home.The water park was located on a hill near a forest. Getting there was a bit tiring, but the reward of driving back quickly and in a pleasurable way justified the effort. Few things could match the feeling of rushing down a hill with a best friend, knowing that there was no school tomorrow. With the sun shining on their backs and the wind rushing in their ears, they felt free and independent.
***
As the boys were getting closer to Brian's house, they noticed a car parked next to the entrance. His mom was standing in one of the windows, as if she was waiting for them to arrive.– Good you're back – she said, looking at Brian. – We have guests. Your auntie and your uncle decided to visit us.The boys looked briefly at each other, knowing the fun was over. Brian's mom pointed her finger at Oscar, still looking at her son.– Say goodbye to your friend and come inside – she said and closed the window, completely ignoring Oscar. This was nothing new for him. There was a time when he tried to be polite, but after a while, he gave up. He never got any response from her anyway.– I guess I have to go now – said Brian. – I will show you the game next time.He tried to remain enthusiastic, but both his face and his voice revealed that he was disappointed. It was obvious that he would prefer to spend more time with his friend instead of sitting in the living room for the next few hours with his family.– Sure thing – said Oscar with a forced smile. – Maybe on Friday?– I'd have to ask my parents first. I'll call you tomorrow!The boys gave each other a handshake, and then Brian went away. Oscar waited until his friend disappeared behind the entrance door before he grabbed his bike and turned around. He would love the fun to continue, but he tried to remain positive. They had a great time at the water park, they would meet again very soon, and they still had a couple of weeks of vacation left.Since Oscar did not really need to hurry back home due to the unexpected change of plans, he decided to walk. Holding the bike by the handlebars, he chose to take a side road the boys often used as a shortcut. It was a narrow dirt road leading through a small housing complex with two‑story buildings on both sides. The sand cracked under his feet, and its sound bounced off the brick walls and windows around him, making it appear louder than it was.As he went down the empty street, he noticed the sign of a local grocery store in the distance. Oscar's stomach started growling, and he realized he had not eaten anything since breakfast. He had driven by the store many times before with Brian, but he never really had a chance to go and visit it. This would change today, he thought to himself. There was still some money left in his pocket, and even though it was not much, it should be enough for a chocolate bar or a bag of chips. The vision of a tasty treat motivated Oscar to increase his pace until he arrived at the sign.The grocery store was lying underground, in the basement of an old, shabby building. Steep, narrow stairs surrounded by thick concrete walls led down to the entrance with big, metal doors pushed to the side. An unpleasant coldness emanated from the unusually dark interior, contrasting strongly with the warm sunlight outside. Something felt off about the store, but Oscar could not put his finger on what it was. He started wondering if it would not be better to just get on the bike and leave, as he suddenly heard someone bursting out laughing inside the store. The sound of the person's croaking voice was rather unsettling, but the presence of a different human being made Oscar feel more grounded.Stop it, he thought to himself. You are not a little child anymore. Your imagination is playing tricks on you again, that's all. You have to grow up and stop getting scared so easily. Think straight! It's the middle of the day, and it sounds like several people are inside. They also seem to have a good time talking with each other. It is an ordinary grocery store, and there is nothing to fear.Oscar felt silly for having this conversation with himself. He shook his head, went to the side of the road, and decided to lay his bike down on the ground. He thought about locking it to something nearby with his chain, but the street was empty, and it would only take him a minute to buy something small anyway. With his newly gained confidence, he took a deep breath and went down the stairs.It was a narrow, dark room with no windows. The lamps on the ceiling were turned off, and the sunlight coming through the entrance was the only light source down here. This made the products on the walls appear further away than they were in reality and gave the room an additional, unnatural length. The almost empty counter table divided the space between the customers and the rest of the store, leaving a small square with enough space for only a few visitors. Apart from Oscar, only two other people were in the room, and they seemed to know each other well.The lady behind the counter had red hair and was wearing a white apron. With her arms crossed on her chest, she was talking to the only customer inside the store, an old man dressed in an ugly, green sweater and worn-out jeans. His long, gray hair was greasy, and he smelled bad, even from a distance. A bum, Oscar thought to himself. He has seen plenty of them before, and his parents always told him to be extra careful and avoid talking to people like this, but he was not afraid. They never seemed dangerous to him, although it was very unpleasant to be around them, especially in closed spaces where he could not just pass by and mind his business.When they noticed Oscar entering the store, they stopped talking and looked at the boy. Both the man and the woman were smiling, but there was something uncanny about their eyes and the look on their faces. Oscar felt a sudden urge to turn around and leave the building, but he tried to fight the impulse. He knew that one should not judge people based on their appearance. Besides, there was no rational reason for him to be afraid. It was only his imagination playing tricks on him again.– Hello there – said the lady, looking Oscar directly in the eyes. – What can I get you?The woman had a rusty voice, probably from smoking too many cigarettes over the years. The way she sounded reminded Oscar of his uncle Bob, who used to 'smoke like a chimney', like his grandma used to say when she criticized her brother and tried to force him to quit his addiction. Similar to uncle Bob, the woman also had a set of deep wrinkles around her mouth and on her chin.Oscar looked around, and to his left, he noticed a plate full of delicious-looking baked goods. Not wanting to spend more time in the store than necessary, he pointed at it with his finger.– How much are those muffins? – he asked.– Usually fifteen cents per piece – the woman explained, while pointing at the plate with her chin. – But these are from Monday. I should probably give you a discount... – She paused for a second and touched her chin with her hand. – You can have two for twenty.Confident that he had enough for at least two muffins, Oscar put his hand inside his pocket and took out all the coins he had left. He quickly counted forty-five cents.– I'll take four then – he answered, surprised at how much he would get, and put the money on the counter. Seeing this, the woman nodded and started to slowly wrap the first muffin in a sheet of gray paper.Oscar did not realize that the man he had tried to ignore so far was now standing right next to him.– You are a big boy! – he said loudly, and Oscar flinched. The man's voice was even more distorted than the woman's, and his mouth was inappropriately close to the boy's face. Oscar could feel the bum's warm, rotten breath on his neck and smell the intense stench of alcohol and sweat. – How old are you, buddy?Feeling that his personal space was invaded, Oscar instinctively took a step back. He raised his head and looked the old man in the eyes.– I'm... almost eleven – he replied with hesitation. This sudden, unexpected encounter was very uncomfortable, but there was no apparent reason for him to be rude. This poor man was probably used to being ignored most of the time and just wanted to get some attention. Looking at his tired, dirty face, Oscar felt sorry for the man. His mom used to say that one should not judge a book by its cover, and he tried to live by this rule. He did not think that it was too much to ask, even from a child, to have a normal conversation with someone who had made a couple of bad decisions in their life.– Good! – The man answered eagerly. – Then you probably know how to read a watch.The man put his right hand before Oscar, exposing his dirty wrist and an old, rusty watch on a worn leather strap. With his other hand, he took the boy by his shoulder, almost encouraging the kid to take on the challenge.– Can you tell me what time it is?This whole situation was getting strangely overwhelming. The dark store, the smell, the man's dirty clothes touching his body, the unnecessary hug. Oscar looked at the watch and then at the woman behind the counter. She looked back at him with the same smile as before, and she did not seem alerted in any way by what was happening. Casually, she started to wrap the next muffin in a new sheet of paper. The woman's behavior made it easier for Oscar to stay calm and tolerate the intrusive drunkard. She would surely react if something was wrong, Oscar was sure of that. Besides, everything would soon be over. He just had to remain polite, answer the questions, take the muffins, and leave. He looked again at the watch and tried to focus. The hour hand was pointing at two, and the minute hand was pointing at four. He knew the answer.– It's twenty past...Suddenly, the man's left hand moved down the boy's body and went under his pants. Oscar could feel the adult's fist moving between his legs and the long forearm rubbing against his butt cheeks. He did not fully understand what was happening, but he knew it was not right. In panic, he again looked at the woman behind the counter, hoping to find support, a reaction that would give him some kind of explanation. Am I in danger? If I was, you would surely help me, right? You would react, tell the man to stop. You would not allow the man do something bad to me, right? I know you would not! You would...The woman was looking Oscar directly in the eyes as the man's sticky hand went up and down between his little legs. She had been smiling the whole time, and her smile was now even wider than before. It was in that moment Oscar understood that he was on his own.The man's breath was getting faster, and even though his face was only inches away, it felt like the sounds were coming from afar. Oscar had somehow lost his sense of space and escaped into his own mind, seeking shelter between his empty thoughts while the adult hand went up and down, up and down, up and...Suddenly, the man stopped. He pulled his hand out of the boy's pants and took a couple of steps back.– Here you go, honey!The woman was holding a paper bag with the muffins in her hand. Almost like in a trance, Oscar moved forward. He raised his hand and tried to pull the bag towards him, but the woman refused to let go of it. Disoriented, he looked at her, and there it was again, the same wide, disgusting, almost lifeless smile on her face. She then said something that made the little boy even more confused than he already was. It was not only what she said, but also how she pronounced the words. It was almost like she was proud of him.– You are a very brave boy – she said, and then let go of the bag.Without looking at the man in the corner, Oscar turned and slowly went up the stairs. The bright sunlight blinded him after all the time spent in the basement. The gentle wind felt good on his face, and the fresh air helped him clear his mind. He looked back at the dark entrance to the store, wondering how much time had passed. It was hard to say, but it did not really matter. Something bad happened down there, and he was not sure what it was.Oscar tried to analyze the situation, but the memory of what happened just seconds ago was now much less real, and it felt less significant. Yes, the old man has touched him in a weird way, but he did not touch his private parts. This would have been very bad, but it did not happen; he was sure of that. This meant that everything was fine, right? It was not pleasant, but he was fine now. It was only a poor, lonely man with a drinking problem who wanted to talk, a man who needed a hug, that was it. Oscar had not done anything wrong.A car slowly driving down the road honked, and Oscar had to move to the side to let it pass. Awoken from his thoughts, he grabbed his bike from the ground and quickly rode away. He was hungry, and he needed to get back home. He had not eaten anything since breakfast.
***
Near the entrance of a local grocery store, in the outskirts of a small town in the middle of nowhere, a lonely bag with four chocolate muffins lies on the ground. It was left behind by a young boy who bought them at a discounted price of mere forty cents. Unfortunately, it would take many years for the child to realize the price he paid on that day and how much higher it could have been under different circumstances.
Scar Issue
Ryan and Alice were sitting on a couch, hugging each other. The room was pleasantly warm, and the dim light from the lamp in the corner created soft shadows on the walls and the ceiling. Behind the windows, one could hear the cold, howling wind rushing through the night, reminding everyone that the season was drawing to a close. Winter was right around the corner, and the fields surrounding the village would soon be covered in snow, transforming the muddy landscape into a white, shiny ocean.Like every Friday, Ryan came to visit his girlfriend. She lived outside of town, an it was the only day during the week when they could have a couple of hours just for themselves. The last two months at school were extremely busy, and they both were drowning in homework and preparations for various school projects. It was almost as if the teachers wanted to punish their students for the freedom they had been granted during the summer. Tons of new material, weekly exams, and plenty of novels to read; it was not easy to find free time after school, even on weekends.Ryan kissed Alice on the head and gently pushed her to the side.– I have something for you – he said and reached behind the couch.Earlier this week, Alice celebrated her fifteenth birthday, and Ryan had bought something special for her. He spent hours looking for the perfect gift, and even though he had to buy it from a fishy, overpriced website, everything worked out great, and the product was worth the money. The package arrived at his house already over a month ago, and Ryan had to try very hard not to spoil the surprise. In the last few days, he had to choose his words carefully and bite his tongue several times as he impatiently waited for the weekend to come. He could not wait to see his girlfriend's reaction, and he was glad that the struggle was finally over.– Belated Happy Birthday! I hope you like it.It was a flat, rectangular object wrapped in orange paper with a blue ribbon around it. Alice tore open the packaging with ease, and her eyes glowed up when she saw what was inside. On the cover of a big wall calendar, there was a black-and-white picture of Audrey Hepburn holding a cigarette and smiling to the camera. Noticeably surprised, Alice began to carefully flip through the pages, admiring the photographs that showed her favorite actress on various movie sets and in different poses.– How did you know? – she asked.– Well... I have my ways – Ryan answered with a smirk on his face.They have been a couple for seven months now, and Ryan has always been a good listener. Alice was not talking about her passion very often, almost as if she did not want to reveal this part of herself to the outside world, but there were signs. On the rare occasions when she mentioned a movie title or the name of an actress from the sixties, for a brief moment, her face melted into a strange mixture of excitement and nostalgia. Then, she would usually change the topic, avoiding sharing any details or answering specific questions, but it was too obvious to miss. She was deeply fascinated by cinematography from that era, and there was one name that stood out from the rest.– And what do you think? – Ryan asked, already knowing the answer.– It's gorgeous!Alice stretched her arms so that she could admire her idol from a different perspective. She was now looking at a picture of Audrey sitting in a window with a small guitar in her hands. Ryan has done his research and recognized it right away. It was a scene from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, showing one of the actress's most famous musical performances. It was not the style of music Ryan preferred, but he had to admit that there was something special about the song, and he was not alone in thinking that. Throughout the years, it had been covered multiple times by some of the greatest singers, such as Frank Sinatra and Eric Clapton, and to this day, it remained fairly well-known among younger artists.Suddenly, Ryan noticed something. When Alice put her hands in front of her, the long selves of her black sweater slid back a couple of inches, exposing her arms. There was blood running down her wrist.– Babe, what happened to you? – he asked, pointing his finger at her arm.In the blink of an eye, all of the joy disappeared from Alice's face. She slowly pulled the calendar towards her body and raised her knees to her chest.– Nothing – she answered quietly.– Nothing? – Ryan got mildly upset. – Common, let me have a look... – he continued and gently touched her elbow.– NO!Alice shouted and pushed his hand away. In this sudden burst of anger, she let the calendar fall to the ground. In the picture, Audrey was still sitting in her window and smiling, but her white neck was now covered with blood. The red color contrasted strongly with the pale skin, which gave the actress a haunting appearance.– Babe, what is going on? – Ryan asked hesitantly. He had never seen her behave like this before.Alice did not move. With her chin on her knees, she stared at the ground with an absent look in her eyes.– I think you should go now – she answered with a monotone voice.Ryan was confused. Just seconds ago, they were hugging each other, and Alice seemed to be in a good mood, but now she wanted him to leave, and she would not even let him touch her. There was obviously something wrong with her, and leaving was not an option. He tried to calm himself down.– I'm not going anywhere – he said softly but firmly.The whole situation suddenly became much more serious. Ryan tried not to jump to hasty conclusions, but he could not really think of an optimistic scenario. The relaxed atmosphere from before was now gone, but it did not matter. His girlfriend clearly needed him right now, even though she acted like she wanted to be left alone.– Please, tell me what happened?Alice did not move or say anything. She was staring at the ground with the same absent look in her eyes.– Did you have an accident? – he tried again.There was still no reaction, but Ryan decided to give her more time. After what felt like an eternity, Alice finally shook her head. The gesture was so weak that he almost missed it.– Did someone hurt you? – he asked, with an even softer voice.She shook her head again. This time, the reaction came faster, and the gesture was more defined. Ryan tried to remain calm and assess the situation. This answer excluded some of the possible explanations that were left, but the issue was that the remaining ones were not less concerning. He was thinking about his next question, but when he saw tears in Alice's eyes, he decided to remain silent.– I have these thoughts – she whispered after a moment. – They won't stop.Ryan felt a sudden urge to hug his girlfriend, but he was too afraid to upset her again. He now knew where this was going, and it was not a comforting thought.– I just want them to go away – she continued. Tears started running down her face. Still looking at the ground, she began to slowly roll up her left sleeve. – It helps me to forget...Her forearm was covered in red lines. Most of them were old scars, but the wounds near the wrist were still bleeding. Ryan tried his hardest to stay composed. He had never seen her arm like this before, and he was in shock. How long has she been doing this? There was nothing there on her arms during vacation, and that meant that she had to start cutting herself after the summer. But why? Ryan had noticed a slight change in Alice's mood in the last weeks, but this was not anything outside of the ordinary, and she had never mentioned anything serious to him either. In fact, most of their peers had been feeling down lately, which was understandable considering the time of year and the amount of work they had at school. There had to be more to it he did not know about, and he needed to find out what it was.– Hey, it's alright – Ryan tried his best to sound convincing. He carefully moved closer to her. – Everything is going to be alright.Alice looked up. Her face was wet, and her lips were shaking. Ryan laid one of his hands on her cheek and gently pushed her head into his chest. Alice did not resist. She burst out in tears, and Ryan hugged her tightly with both arms.– We will figure something out – he continued. He was desperately trying to think of a solution, but nothing came to his mind.
***
The entrance doors closed behind Ryan, and he was now standing outside in the cold, looking at the full moon. The sky was clear, and there were no lights on the side roads in this part of the village. The view was magnificent, and he had to think about the calendar, the beautiful actress, and her enchanting song.Moon River, wider than a mile...Ryan and Alice sat together on the couch for hours without saying a word. It started getting late, and at some point, Ryan had to leave and head back home. They agreed to meet the next day and go for a walk. It seemed like there was a lot they needed to discuss, but unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about it right now. He was tired and confused, and he needed to give his mind time to process the information, which was easier said than done.Far in the distance, Ryan could see the lanterns on the side of the main road. It would take a while to get there, but he did not mind the distance. It would do him good, give him time to think. He took a deep breath, and the cold air filled his lungs, seemingly lifting at least some of the weight of his chest. He opened the gate, turned right, and set off towards town, with the bright moon lighting up his way.Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way.
***
Alice closed the entrance door and turned the key. Her hands were shaking.In the living room next to the kitchen, her parents were watching television. She could hear the newscaster reporting on the damage the recent financial crisis has caused and explaining that the world has not yet seen the full scale of it.Alice wondered if this was the right time for an honest family discussion. After the evening with Ryan, she realized how serious the situation had become. The thoughts in her head were getting worse with every day, and she could not think straight anymore. She realized that she needed to act as long as she still had at least some control of her life, as long as she still had some courage. Besides, sooner or later, everyone would find out about her secret anyway, which make her situation much more complicated. In a desperate attempt to find a solution, she turned away from the door walked into the living room.– Mother, Father, can we talk?Her parents were sitting in the center of a wide, gray couch without touching each other. On the TV screen, a group of people holding various signs with different slogans was protesting on Wall Street against corporate greed. The camera also captured some of the brokers sitting on a balcony with drinks in their hands. They did not appear to be affected by the events unfolding in the streets.– I have done something. I have... sinned.Continuing to watch the news, the father answered.– You should go to the church and confess.– I already have, Father.Alice was not surprised. It was not the first time she had heard this advice, but the conversation had to start somewhere. Her father raised his eyebrows, still looking at the screen.– Did you do your penance?– I did, Father, but...– Then you should confess again – he answered without hesitation, with a slight irritation in his voice. – Ask for forgiveness, and God will show you his mercy.This was a known scenario for Alice. Her parents were always pointing to God and the church, almost as if they were trying to outsource their responsibility for raising their daughter. As Alice grew older, she became increasingly convinced that having children was merely a concept for them, and she often wondered if they had any genuine feelings for her at all. They did not seem interested in her as a person, and she never felt like she could count on their support.The conversation did not seem to go anywhere, and Alice almost lost her determination, but this time, she decided to push harder. She never felt as depressed as in the last couple of weeks, and she has never had suicidal thoughts before. Something has changed, and suddenly, everything in her life became much more difficult. She could not control her emotions, and she did not feel like she could trust herself anymore.– I'm afraid it won't help, Father. It never really has.The father turned his head and looked at Alice for the first time this evening.– We don't speak like this in this house. – He sounded surprised and angry at the same time.– But that's the truth, Father – she answered calmly. – I think... – Alice tried to find the right words. – I think I need professional help. There are...– No – said the father, and pointed his finger at her. – This is something between you and God – he continued. – He will help you with your struggles, you just have to allow it. He will understand.The mother continued to look at the screen. There was not even the slightest reaction on her face, and Alice could not stop herself from thinking how much she hated this woman. She never took any action and never had any opinions of her own. She was just a hollow shell, an avatar going through life without affecting the world around her. She was an empty concept of a mother.Alice felt something breaking inside her, and an urge emerged in her mind. She wanted to somehow tear out her pain and throw it out right at her parents. She wanted them to feel what she was feeling; she wanted them to suffer the way she suffered. Maybe they would then understand how much she was in pain, how difficult her life was right now. They never listened. What would need to happen so that they finally listened to her? At that very moment, Alice realized how lonely she had always felt around her parents. In an act of desperation, she rolled up her left sleeve and shouted.– I need help!The atmosphere in the room suddenly changed. The father slowly stood up and walked over to Alice. He gently took her arm in his hands and looked at the red lines crossing the veins.– What have you done? – he asked quietly.The mother was now looking at her from the couch, with her eyes wide open and her hands covering her mouth. Both parents seemed to be in shock. It has been a long time since Alice allowed herself to show them her true feelings, and she felt an unfamiliar, long-forgotten sense of relief. It was as if her parents had truly seen her for the first time this evening, or perhaps even for the first time in her teenage years. She burst into tears as the intense emotions overwhelmed her body and her mind.– It's because of the bad thoughts, dad – she explained, looking at her forearm. – When they...A sharp pain shot through Alice's face, and everything became blurry as she lost her balance and fell to her knees. If it was not for her father holding her arm, she would probably have crashed against the wall with her head and hurt herself. Feeling dizzy, Alice tried to make sense of what was happening. When her sight had stabilized, she looked up to her father with confusion in her eyes. Then he hit her again.– Why did you make me do this, child?Her jaw hurt terribly, and an unpleasant warmth spread across her face. Everything was happening so quickly. Kneeling on the ground, her body all tense, she anticipated the next hit. When it finally came, the world around her became dark.– You should be ashamed of yourself – said the father with an unexpectedly calm voice. Then he let go of her arm, and Alice fell to the ground. – You will go to the church tomorrow and confess again.Lying on the cold floor, Alice could hear her father walk away. She was not crying anymore; there were no tears left in her. When she finally opened her eyes, she saw her mother standing at the window, looking into the night through the glass. Her father was now standing behind his wife, holding her in his arms.Leaning on her elbows, Alice tried to get up from the ground. Her head was spinning, and she struggled to keep her balance. When she finally managed to get on her feet, she looked once again at her parents. They were ignoring her completely, almost as if she was not there. She always felt the loneliest when they were around, and it looked like it would not change today.Alice slowly turned and left the room, supporting herself by touching the wall with her hands. When she arrived at the stairs, she heard her mother talking to her husband.– Oh, Richard... – she said. – What have we done to deserve this?Richard gently stroked his wife's arm and kissed her in the back of her head.– God works in mysterious ways.
***
Alice entered her room and closed the door. Her eyes fell on the birthday gift, the black-and-white calendar with the pictures of her idol. She often wondered what it would be like to be an actress herself, playing the role of a main character on a movie set. Would it be any different from what she was so used to? Different than going through life and constantly faking emotions, pretending to be someone else? Today, she stepped out of her role, and it was a mistake. She should not have done that, and everything that happened after that was her fault. She wanted to be more than a concept, and now she had to pay the price.Like in a trance, Alice walked over to her nightstand. She opened the bottom drawer and took out a fresh razor from the box hidden in the back. The steel cut deep, and the pain felt good on her skin. She could finally breathe again.
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